A Martial Artist's Survival of Spouse Abuse

This is one of the bravest, most humble women that I have had the honor to know. At her request I have withheld her name, but read the story and gain courage from it. I enclosed her letter to me as part of the article as I thought that also was important.

To any women out there in an abusive relationship or any men being abused for that matter although the numbers are smaller, the situation will not change until there is third party intervention, get out of there.

To you abusers who feel hitting the person you love is your way of saying I love you, she is not making you do that, she does listen, you need to listen, you will not change without help. If you love your family, get out of there and get some help or else you will destroy them and yourself and the pattern will repeat itself till you are in jail or dead.

Hi Rick,

It's been as hard putting this in black and white as it has been to learn it I think ... and that has been a good thing.   I apologize for it taking sooooo long.  I have benefited from writing it so much that I thank you for asking me to consider it.  Decided I'd send it to you cause you originally asked, but please do not feel obligated to use this. Since the list is slow maybe it should just go there.  But it would put them all to sleep.  My teacher and I have covered all these bases sometime and really don't need to have him read it ahead of time cause I'm not really talking about how to do techniques, but how the training has influenced how I experience myself and my environment I think.  It's been a real lesson to try to objectively put this in print and think it through, and by no means is the story over! Its encouraging to notice the changes and that I have time to work on the weaknesses knowing that change is possible with dedication and time. I don't think lists have known this much of my story and how aikido has impacted my life.



Changes that studying aikido have brought to me have been a welcome addition to my life and have given me back who I know myself to be in many ways.  The lessons have not come simply or quickly and were not expected, but are worth every ounce of effort, fear, and tears that they have cost for the hope and life they have brought me thus far.  Emotional and verbal control became overt once there was a legally binding relationship.  The change was slow enough that I was blind to the implications I would see later.  Accepting the controlling behavior and the evaluation of who I was through his eyes set the stage for not valuing my own thoughts, and worth.   I accepted the violence as a consequence of my actions or thoughts and felt that nothing I could do would make any difference to end the direction in the short or long term in this marriage.  I learned to react, or respond to protect myself or fight back would prolong the aggression and escalate it.  Standing quietly and relaxed as I could muster ended the aggressive or violent episodes quicker and with less soreness the next day.  It was a silent death while living which I participated in for more than a decade.

It took a decade of gradual immersion in a controlling relationship to make me immune to the violence and feel that nothing I could do would make any difference. Talking my way out of unexpected violence in my home worked for awhile and for a season life was quieter. Later when I moved to block a blow or leave the room the violence got worse. Enough of my life was controlled that I couldn't find way to leave.  I found it was safer to take a little of the punishment than to further aggravate him and bring on more violence. That is a learned victim behavior that is self protection when there is no good way out seen and you have given up.  When the assaults escalated to being life threatening I *lost it* and was physically aggressive in return because I had *nothing* to lose and returned violence with violence.

Realizing I was going to die anyway to awakened me to the fact that to do anything while their was breath was to fight for my life so just move and do until I could not breath. The four times I took that attitude though I had no training I ended up with sloppy successful throws that knocked him out on the wood floor. He went down cold and I walked and returned later thinking this would not recur, but it did three more times.  I was lucky, didn't know how I was defending myself, and needed to find a way out as I had found a way to temporarily end the violence. It gave me confidence to start planning to leave and I left shortly thereafter with no notice. The fourth time was the last. I didn't know what was changing or why it worked.  I wanted life, and not to find it while fighting for it. Deciding to fight for it was the first small step that set me on a mew path of discovery.

Studying aikido has given me the opportunity to reframe acting in self-defense when I had identified myself as violent because I violently reacted to physical assault in the end of the relationship. Learning that I am a part of the universe, connected to it, and its power as is everyone was a challenging concept. Becoming aware that my attitude, posture, awareness and ability to acknowledge other's presence while not giving ground rather than being invisible, and vulnerable is invaluable. Gaining the physical skills has been the path for learning this as a whole instead of being left with the intellectual acknowledgement of the history and not having the skills to build the attitudinal and body language changes into who I am, how I speak and how I move.

Learning that physical aggression does not have to equal violence and doesn't have to be emotional based has been important. That in any circumstance I am worth defending whether removing myself, verbally defusing things or having to act physically. It also gave me the courage and awareness to thwart a gas station car jacking without engaging in a physical altercation which was not stacked in my odds. It's helped me regain myself and my life again and that's invaluable.

Before I began exploring aikido I thought being centered meant having integrity and choosing actions in line with your principles instead of reacting to the environment or emotions.  It seems to have taken a primarily physical definition now like having a string pull you up from the crown of your head with the rest of the body following.  Picture a straight back, relaxed hips, shoulders and arms being fundamental to being centered.  What I am beginning to see is that the physical centering around a plumb line is an embodiment of the mental attitude.  The same off balancing occurs when on the physical or mental plane.  It I concentrate on learning to center or find my stability on the physical level the other levels are slowly developing core strengths as well.

When the physical and mental/emotional are both "plumb" it is like finding the high voltage wire by accident and everything seems different and works cleaner.  What's funny is that I can notice my body language now when I am out of balance and see where I am leaning and what I am trying to shy a way from and how that reflects in my thoughts, feelings, and actions.  It's been a real wake up call.  Only just beginning to see it and recognize this in short snatches, but it is enlightening to me to notice the changes.

From my past I was left with the knee jerk reactions to sounds, body language, noise, cues in the environment which left me raw and ready to run or do harm when the reaction was out of proportion to the present. A experience from my job showed me some hope for my learning curve in aikido.  I came the back into front of the office and there were two very loud aggressive sales people that had employees baffled and upset. With in a few moments we had spoken, had an understanding, they were quiet and thanking me and left smiling. The others had tried to have them leave and they just got more riled up. Funny the office mates asked me what I did to them to make them be so polite and subdued and thank me upon leaving.

I realized later that I did what our teacher says is owning the mat. That it is my space and controlling my space, getting out of the line of attack, and controlling how close someone is to me...that is my job. That to accept the attack and see it from their point of view while diffusing it is really powerful. And quieting....uncanny how it quieted them. People kept saying they never saw anything like it and asked what I did and I couldn't tell them....I didn't know. It's begun to change those kind of things.
 
Now none of this is physical technique. The only physical was ending the cycle of violence at the end before even beginning any martial art. The strange part is the changes are more telling outside of the dojo when I am startled than when I am practicing. Yet it now is changing my natural reactions and giving me alternatives that are a welcome surprise when they work and someone asks how you handled it. When I am practicing all I see are the miles to go and so much that I need to learn. Yet I've realized its more likely for me to use the principles I'm learning in this manner than to end an altercation any longer. But its in learning and disciplining my whole self that the changes are coming slowly and imperceptibly until there is a challenge for me to meet and I am surprised with how I handled it without thinking.

Sensei J. Richard Kirkham is a 27 year martial art veteran. He is a dual certified teacher with a Bachelors of Science Degree in Physical Education with a background in Special Education, Exercise Physiology, Movement Education, and Behavioral Modification. He is presently an in home tutor, self-defense instructor, and body guard. Mr. Kirkham is presently teaching in Honolulu Hawaii. He can be reached at 808-528-5775 Ext. 5. He has one challenge which has yet to fail him, he can increase anyone's striking power 50% to 100% in one lesson. For those who cannot see him in person, he offers the same service with others on affordable custom video tapes. Sensei Kirkham has the unique service of offering in home classes so that people may learn self-defense in the privacy of their home without worrying about travel after a hard days work.

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Makoto Kabayama

Kabayama Bushidokan

Jeet Kune Do Concepts and Philosophy

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